The Profound Impact of Doing Less for Your Child to Foster Confidence and Independence

As parents and guardians, it is only normal to want to be by our child’s side when they take each of their steps and smooth every path that a child walks in. Every walk and journey for a young child is tended to as seamlessly as possible, sparing them from encountering difficulties.  

For example, in many South African households, parents encourage their children to help with simple chores like setting the table for a family braai. This daily routine not only builds independence but also creates a sense of responsibility from an early age. However, it is often the case that by providing too much help, one can limit the developmental scope of a child. 

Hold Back to Help Children Move Forward

Let us take a look at an important aspect of parenting, which is how deliberate actions of doing less are helpful in fostering independence in children, and maybe even the most loving thing we can do for our children.  

Consider the process by which a young individual learns a new skill, such as riding a bicycle. Full mastery is never attained when a grown-up is always steadying the handlebars. There will inevitably be moments of imbalance, perhaps minor tumbles, and certainly some frustration. In many South African neighborhoods, you’ll see children learning to ride their bikes on sidewalks or in quiet streets, encouraged by their families to get up and try again after every fall. The feeling of being able to finally ride the bike while pedaling deserves praise as it is a milestone that the toddlers achieved on their own. 

Understanding the Zone of Proximal Development

This approach does not mean that children should be left to fend for themselves. It has more to do with the "Zone of Proximal Development," as defined by Educational Psychologists. This characterizes a task's ideal degree of difficulty, where it is both tough enough to necessitate some effort and problem-solving skills but not so challenging as to cause annoyance and a tendency to give up. 

When parents over-assist young children with things they can or are learning to complete, it sends the unintended message: "You cannot do this without me or my assistance." 

What Does "Doing Less" Encompass?

Adopting the strategy of "doing less" does not mean one has relinquished one's role as a parent and caregiver. It entails more gradual, purposeful steps in our interactions with children which are helpful in fostering independence in children.  

• Encourage Constructive Struggle: When a toddler becomes frustrated with a toy, puzzle, or other task, encourage them instead of rushing to help right away. Step back, cheer, and ask guiding questions like, "I see you are working hard on that. What have you tried so far?”. Often, just the knowledge that someone is present and believes in them is enough to make them keep trying.  

• Give Age-appropriate Responsibilities: Assigning regular household chores appropriate for a child’s age goes a long way toward helping them. Young children can help with putting away toys, preschoolers can help with setting the table, and older children can do their own laundry or make simple meals. All these activities boost the child’s sense of self-worth.  

• Let Them Understand the Consequences Naturally: Forgetting something doesn't imply failing, rather it's a chance to learn. Take, for instance, a student decides to leave their lunch at home. That lunch probably contains something that they love whereas at school, the options on offer for lunch may not be all that appealing (or vice versa). They will remember it next time. 

• Motivate, Do Not Do It for Them: Rather than handing everything directly to a child, give them the chance to let their imagination run wild. Introducing this method not only inspires creativity and initiative, but analytical and problem-solving skills as well. 

Cultivating Resilient and Resourceful Individuals

With the aid of life lessons, it is important to equip children with the ability to self-learn through different approaches. Children should be active learners from a very young age, so that they can meet obstacles and learn to forge their own paths towards success, without depending on other adults.  

Some of the core competencies obtained through self-learning may include:

• Self-confidence: The inherent belief that, as an individual, they have the ability to achieve what they aspire to. 

• Problem-solving Capabilities: The ability to think logically and devise plans to overcome obstacles. 

• Resilience: To endure disappointments and setbacks and keep persisting towards the endeavor. 

• Independence: The ability to greatly rely upon oneself to face the challenges and complexities of life. 

• Growth Mindset: A belief that intelligence and skills can be nurtured and developed with continuous efforts. 

This checklist summarizes the roadmap we can set for our beloved children. Our urge to protect our children can be very strong and seeing them struggle with challenges can be unbearable sometimes. But at the end of the day, this is one of the major obstacles that we confront which must be avoided. 

The extent of their capabilities may be surprising, and the mutual sense of pride will be profound. Indeed, doing a little less can contribute significantly more to their future development. 

We’d love to hear how you nurture independence in your young ones.